An Open Letter to My “Ex” Best Friends

I don’t know whether it’s the holidays or how this year has gone but I’ve found myself incredibly reflective lately. As my family grows I am finding myself constantly thinking of the pieces that were left behind. So this is for them… An Open Letter to my “Ex” Best Friends: Why I had to leave.

Let me start by saying…

I am whole-heartedly sorry. I didn’t choose to part ways with you because of who you chose to date, I didn’t leave because you were a shitty roommate, and I didn’t leave because I was mad. I am a perfectionist (sometimes to a fault)…my every move is thought out extensively before I make it.

With that being said, know that whether we “fell out of touch” or whether you were forcibly removed from my life, it was not a decision I made lightly. I truly cared about you as though you were my sister. I made space for you in my heart, my home, and in my life and I fully intended for you to be a part of all of it forever.

I finally realized this year that my mother was right all along. You are who you hang out with… And I was becoming you. It was one thing when your toxicity was only effecting you but it so rapidly seeped into my life that I didn’t even realize it was happening until it was too late.

Your bad choices were becoming my bad choices. And no, I don’t mean you lied to me so I started lying too…I’m not that naive. I mean the phone calls at midnight with you crying telling me to come get you and me choosing to continue to run to your rescue even after your bruises turned into threats on me. I mean spending my savings to drive across the country to rescue you just to watch you lie to me, steal from me, and paint me as the bad guy in the end. I suddenly found myself giving my all to people that said they needed me but only showed they needed me out of convenience.

Fast forward to January, I found myself broke, broken hearted, and facing life in a whole new way. I saw first hand that life is just too short. It was just too short to risk my finances, or my relationship, to risk my inner peace and to fight so damn hard to help you when you refused to help yourself.

I had to cut the toxins out. I had to. My quiet, peaceful life had fallen to shambles because no matter how many times you abused my run-to-the-rescue instincts, I’d keep running back every time you called. I had become a doormat; A shell of the person I once wanted to become. When the problems first started I didn’t even have a second thought. It was, (insert name here) is in trouble. We have to help her no matter the cost. It was only when I realized the cost was much more than material that I realized it was far too much. We can always make more money. We can always make up those missed dates and replace those popped tires. We can’t get back the immediate worry and heartache we felt every time you’d go right back to your abuser because “it was going to be different this time”. We can’t get back the nights spent fighting because all you did was lie to us.

I miss you, so does Hubs. I’m sorry I can’t call you for a Target run or send you pictures of T. I’m sorry our lives are moving on without you in them but I needed to grow and I couldn’t do that when you took up so much of me. I’m not the kind of person that can call the police on my boyfriend one day and the next love him like candy. I’m not the person that will ever be okay with lying. I’m the kind of person that needs peace in her life and I mean real, true peace. No lying, no he said she said, no screaming at one another, no shitty treatment of yourself or others. It physically effects my well being. I need my days to be filled with more than just complaining. I need to be chasing goals. I like school and work. I like knowing that when someone was in need they called on me and I was there. But I also like that when those people were straining my life I had the strength to walk away. I’m the kind of person that still thinks about the people she had to cut out. Know that I’m sorry it happened but I needed it to.

I hope you are well. I hope you are learning to love yourself. I hope you are learning to stand up for yourself and that the words I said to you so many, many times are true. You are beautiful and smart but like me, you will only go as far as you allow yourself. Get out of your own way and your life will sparkle!

With love,

The person that had to leave you behind